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Well...forever ended a long time ago. Both forevers.


I broke up with Rico a day before my birthday, then I got with my officemate John who, even in that short period of time that we were together, really took care of me and made me feel so, so, so loved and special. But we had to break up due to reasons beyond our control. Not because we didn't love each other as strongly anymore, but rather because he wanted to do the right thing for his kid. No, he's not married, but he will be soon and not with me.


So yeah, single again...oh well...

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To Love and Be Loved in Return

Wow! I haven't been here for quite some time now. It feels strange to actually have that tug in your gut and that voice in your head that screams "Write, damn it! Write!" So here I am.

Things had been good. My boyfriend, Rico, and I had been together for five months now. Six by tomorrow. We've been dating for longer than that, though. Since January of this year. And been friends longer too; since September of last year. We've known each other for roughly a year now and it's been heaven and hell, to say the least.

But needless to say, I am very, very happy with who I'm with, who I have become when he stepped into my life, and what I have with him. He's the love of my life. The man I'd gladly move heaven and earth for, just to make sure he stays happy. And me? I've never been happier in my entire life. And that's saying a lot considering all the shit I've been through in the past 32 years.

Everyone deserves to be happy. I almost gave up on that idea before. I'm glad happiness found me, even so late in my existence.

I hope this is forever for me.

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Allow me...

Allow me to shout it out to the entire world...

I am in love with the most wonderful, most generous man I have ever met in my entire life. I am head over heels in love with Enrico "Rico" Gilera and I will do anything, give anything, and give up anything to make sure that he is happy and content for the rest of his life.

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Train Wreck Waiting to Happen

I'm an emotional wreck right now. I am seriously contemplating slicing through my wrists, putting them under warm water and just waiting for death to come get me. But of course, my life being what it is, I can't.

My boyfriend, who I love with all my heart, soul, and my entire being, is contemplating breaking up with me.

One of my bestfriends is so mad at me she doesn't want to see me anymore because I did something so awful and stupid, she feels so betrayed.

And lastly, I just found out that my mom has cancer. I can't even face her right now without breaking down and sobbing like a 5-year old whose candy got stolen.

All three are on top of the other financial, work, and health-related issues going on in my life right now.

It's all just so painful and fucked up right now. For someone who has depression problems and is suicidal, all these shit are too much to handle. It's a miracle I'm still breathing until now.

My life is one big fuck up after another and I don't know if I'll still be alive by the end of this year.

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Headfirst Slide

I took a leap of faith and am afraid that I may have broken my heart in the process.

Hello? Are you there? Are you willing to take some time off your oh-so-busy schedule to pick up the pieces? Or at least sweep the damn things and throw them away properly? You seem to have time to tweet and chit-chat with other people, yet you don't have the time of day to look carefully and realize that you are breaking me with your insensitivity.

When will you realize that, fragmented as I am, I allowed myself to fall in love with you, risking my fragile heart in the process. You promised you'll love me forever. You said you'll try your damn hardest not to hurt me, not to break my heart. You told me I stole your heart, but have no plans of getting it back. That I can keep your heart. I gave you mine too. How come you didn't take good care of it?

Am I done? I don't know...

One more chance? Maybe...

An ultimatum? March...after March and things haven't become better, I'm done...

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Love is so much hard work

I don't know if you're mad at me, but I am upset with you. You don't get me, but believe me when I say I do understand where you're coming from.

You're never going to understand me. I'm complicated, to say the least.

I've lived without you before. I can do it again, if you choose to leave me because of all my issues.

But goddamnit, the thought of not having you in my life hurts so much. Life just won't be the same.

But I have to get used to it. Love and pain comes hand in hand. I don't want to give up, but if you're not going to exert any effort to keep me, like you've been doing these past few days, then I'd rather be without you and numb.

The ball's in your court now.

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I can't believe it physically hurts...

The moment I decide to wear my heart on my sleeve...the moment I decide to give all my heart, my trust issues decide to resurface. Why? Because he hasn't called, texted or tweeted since last night.

I really want to forget all my issues. I really want to let go, but how can I if the moment he does this, it hurts? There's this pain deep inside my chest that I never want to feel again.

I don't want to blame my past. I actually want to let go of my past, but I'm having a really hard time.

Excuse me while I barricade myself in my room and cry...
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I'm in love...
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Do I?

Do I love you? Am I already in love with you? I don't know...I really don't know. I want to. God knows how much I want to fall for you, but I'm so damn scared that I might agree to become your girlfriend and end up realizing I'm not in love with you. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to lead you on. You're too special and important to me. I don't want to lose you in any shape, way, or form. I might die if I do.

Or what if I am in love with you and you realize I'm not the one for you? Even if you promised yourself that you won't be the reason for my tears to fall, can you really help it? What if what you feel for me is nothing but misplaced affection? I don't know if I'll be able to live if that happens.

I guess we're in a lose-lose situation, whichever way we look at it. The question now is, are we willing to take that risk and make that jump? Do you trust me already? Do I trust you?

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Catch Me If You Can

Is it possible to fall in love at the speed of light? We've been friends for a few months now, but I have to admit, I'm not confident that I know him well enough to actually fall in love yet. I just know that I shouldn't feel this giddy and lightheaded at the thought of seeing him or talking to him.

It's too early to tell him he takes my breath away each time he shows me how much he cares.

But my heart is telling me a different thing. It's telling me to just feel and do what feels right and not what I think is right. The thing is, I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past where I said yes too fast and got burned just as quickly.


What do I do?

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February 2013


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